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| "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answe... more
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| 1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal syste... more
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| A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to th... more
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| A harp is a nude piano.A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.... more
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| A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster gee... more
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| A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 ti... more
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| A note left for a pianist from his wifeGone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet... more
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| A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in... more
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| A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative pl... more
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| A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together."Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!""Don't worry,... more
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| A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be... more
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| Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premi... more
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| All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.Mary Had A... more
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| An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: Wh... more
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| Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?Paul: My na... more
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| At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.He breaks t... more
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| Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefu... more
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| Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.Mozart: The Magic Tuba.Puccini: La Bamba.Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.Verdi: Rigatoni.... more
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| Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and tu... more
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| From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.9. "Amplifiers" are just e... more
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| 21. | |
| From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphon... more
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| 22. | |
| Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert."Ther... more
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| 23. | |
| Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.However, it being quite hot, the players were... more
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| 24. | |
| Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Si... more
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| 25. | |
| Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?A: Shoot one.... more
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| 26. | |
| Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?A: Shoot four of them.Q: What are burning oboes used for?A: To set bassoons on fire... more
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| Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.Q: Ho... more
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| 28. | |
| Q: How do you make him stop playing?A: Put notes on it!Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?A: Pick on someone yo... more
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| 29. | |
| Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.Q: Wha... more
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| 30. | |
| Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will compl... more
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